hope and fear

gonna be very, very up- and- down from here.

rollercoaster.

"bittersweet and strange, finding you can change, learning you were wrong..."

http://questionablecontent.net./view.php?comic=1110

feel sick. i didnt eat anything bad.

well that was interesting... like someone disecting your spleen is interesting. i feel physically sick.

"we murder to dissect." -C.S. Lewis.

what i act and what i am inside are two completely different things.

looking through your eyes gives me vertigo.

i do that? i look like that? ...no wonder you dont... why did you not tell me?? i can change, you know. 

dont get me wrong, i knew you have a low opinion of me, i just didnt know it was *that* low.

you're right, but i dont take anything back, cos i'm right too.

i care too much.

this, too, shall pass.

the lesson will remain though.

it better. i dont wanna screw up whatever slim chance i get given now.

well im not bitter, at least. i feel like a terrible person and i will for awhile, but at least im not bitter about it. i hope you aren't either.

end is a new beginning? maybe. takes two. im not gonna expect anything from you.

"cause i built you a home in my heart, with rotten wood meant to cave from the start..."

If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson
If I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown [4x]

Your love is gonna drown [4x]
Your love is gonna... 

-Death Cab For Cutie, "Marching Bands of Manhattan"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

--Relient K, "When i go down"

"your love is gonna drown..."

cant sleep. cant eat.

"sit down, it's just a talk."

i'm deliberately losing a friend.

well. depending how you define 'friend'.

it's not like that.

I'M not like that.

the thing is, this has the potential for breaking me more than i've ever yet been...    heart. mind. and soul.

i'm terrified, and already broken at the thought.

hello, grown-up Kitty. you should come out more often. maybe i'd get used to you.

it's not brave. it's just, stretched to breaking point.

break it completely, or heal it. your choice.

my trust, once fully gone, is almost impossible to get back.

in truth? i don't think you want it enough to fight for it.

i guess it might be goodbye after all.

i hope it's not bitter. i promised, it doesn't have to be a bitter end.

but sometimes, people make it so.
but please... never let it be me, that makes it bitter. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=016Lk_5uCUo

a mess of fading lines

brittle. break. 

"you'll never find the words, darlin, believe me..."

protect? you? me? both?

i won't become that... 

cant say i wasnt expecting that.

heart hurts.

heh. not long ago it was "i feel like i could wrestle a bear or something!"

it is fear, o little hunter, it is Fear.

i said "Out, Kitty." instead of "Down, Kitty." today. i've never said that before.

"the longer you think, the less you know what to do..."

"they tolerate me."

http://lackadaisycats.com/comic.php?comicid=59
how's that for low expectations?
some people feel the need to be loved. to be understood. i'm okay without that, as long as i'm accepted. (take me as i am, or not at all.) but it makes me a little sad that the best he's ever got is tolerance. at the same time though, it'd be kinda nice if i could be happy with just that. the bare minimum.  "when you're a dog, the smallest dry bone is heaven to you." 

you're worth more than just tolerance. you deserve to be accepted, to be loved, even if you're not understood. "to understand is to become." 

"try walking in my shoes. i bet you'll fall over on the first step."

i wonder if i'll ever fully believe people love me.